What is happening?! Things are NOT going well. My identity is simultaneously crumbling and morphing, and I find myself doing things, overlooking things, that never would have entered my imagination, never would have been possible a mere 6 months ago.
Even now, I find myself trying to rationalize, to justify recent happenings thanks to the perspective shift that comes with being introduced to the mystical realities surrounding us. But if I can’t maintain my identity (or adapt it to something that I can still respect) then I want out. And as there probably is no true ‘out’ but death, then Houston, we’ve got a problem.
So clearly, I’m disturbed by something, and am incoherently yammering on about it rather than addressing it. The background details (of John Wolf’s old case involving one Noreen Fondren) are out there elsewhere, but this is what has me worked up: John needs to talk with Noreen’s younger sister Bella because legitimate coincidences are extremely rare. The young lady is followed to the public meeting place, and I have every reason to believe that 10-Guage of the OCT was the one who ordered her tail.
There are some connections I’ve discovered with my obsession of getting to the bottom of who was behind my Ranger force ousting. The OCT is one of those links, though not directly. I was investigating the cocaine distribution that the OCT dominated, and was warned by my captain to back off. Naturally I didn’t, and continued to ignore any other admonitions. This was when I was forced out. So when the area police showed up and the OCT goons made their respective moves (one to take on the police, the other to take off), something in me wouldn’t allow me to sit by while one who I KNEW was guilty (AND had info I needed) was getting away.
The chase began, and thanks mostly to a hearty constitution, I was able to apprehend the thug. But this is where I can scarcely explain how things went bad. I honestly was convinced that I, a mortal reduced to civilian status, could take vigilante matters into my own hands, then coolly expect law to rule the day so that justice would be served. Yet in hindsight I ask: how can the law be ignored and violated on the one hand, then expect to have it on your side once it suits you to honor it? Those would be the inane assumptions of a fractured and splintered mind working out of reality! I pray to God my deluded state is but temporary.
So how does this story continue? After I took down 10-Guage’s flunky (and side-stepped my way out of my own arrest), I called Elena to come pick us up, and begged her not to tell Wolf what was going on. She got us, and the two of us did everything to intimidate the perp into complying with our questions / confirmations. Once done, I was ready to call the police to let them know their other assailant was apprehended for them, as if there was nothing wrong with the situation and I had nothing to hide… just a good and proactive citizen lending a hand. DOH!
Elena saved me from the mistake that would have absolutely jeopardized my freedom. And, given my Scooby Squad status (tarnation I hate that dopey name!), my family would be mortally endangered with me locked away. I couldn’t risk being the target of an investigation launched off the accusations of the OCT goon I took down. I put myself in a morally worse situation where I had ‘no choice’ but to let Elena do what she promised she’d do at the Blooming celebration: end him.
Of course, deep down I know that’s a load of bull—we ALWAYS have a choice…I’m just too selfish and entrenched in this mess to fight the new-found kneejerk reaction of justifying my ethics away. I’ve got to rediscover myself NOW…I cannot allow leniency and La-La Land mental residency to take over until this case is solved. God help me.